The Rectatarian religion was founded by J.Rice, editor and publisher of Yellow Dog Magazine, when he realized one day that he was out of toilet paper. At first flustered, then enraged, and finally relieved of the world's possesive stance towards wiping, J.Rice reached Rectatarian nirvana and abandoned wiping forever.
The Rectatarians hold monthly bake sales from the trunk of J.Rice's 1970 Malibu. Many people have questioned the hygiene of buying baked goods from a religion that doesn't believe in wiping. However, J.Rice's dog, Big Red One, eats his feces all the time, and he shows no signs of poor health.
The Rectatarians reserve the right to use the word "microwave pizza." We also claim a large membership of celebrities, among them: Bob Hope, Ted Nugent, William Shatner, Kermit the Frog, and Mikey from the Life cereal commercials.
We are proud to announce that the Fox Network has opted to pick up the Rectatarian Saturday morning cartoon, "Johnny Tushie." Rip Torn and Charo will do the main voices for the characters. The first episode is tentatively titled, "That's Mommy's Toy, Johnny." There may also be a collection of Johnny Tushie action figures available through Hardee's.
We welcome you to join the Rectatarian cause. Be a part of our family. E-mail our coordinator at: ishmail@beer.com.
And remember: where would you rather spend eternity? In a non venilated, cramped bathroom or in a place where the air flows free, a place where the only sound you hear is that of running water, a place where there's always a New Yoker or Sports Illustrated on hand?
That place, dear reader, would be the Rectatarian heaven, the place we call home, the great washroom in the sky.
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